Taxable Offence: a short story by: GF Willmetts (fiction).

I blame Al Capone. For all the alleged crimes he did while in old Chicago and got away with, the one he got caught on was tax evasion. A little less greed and a legit job as a side-line and he’d have operated his criminal organisation a lot longer. The real reason was he didn’t have a viable income coming in. He could simply have set up himself up as a club manager and it would have made them happy.

The criminal fraternity learnt from that. Not the small-time crooks. We, the professionals at the top of the pile had a living to make and who wants to be caught out for not paying any tax at all? We pay bad money to get away with it and stay out of jail. We’re the smart end of the chart.

If it looks like we might be caught, we pay off one or more of the gang to do the time for us or remove those who want to track us down. A need to keep our hands clean. Without us, the gang members won’t get their weekly pay. Nor the corrupt cops who warn us about anything going on. It isn’t as though we don’t pay anything out and a lot of people live off our endeavours.

Of course, we could disappear our accusers when we have names but that’s getting too obvious these days. Anyway, the thing about the tax department of the government is its full of nobodies. You have no idea who is going to come after you to pay tax until they knock on your door. Also, they’ve got wise to members of their department vanishing and carry a subpoena that should it happen to them then we would be in court for murder. As if they could prove it. A few did, they were and got life imprisonment. No body so no death sentence. At least with avoiding tax, it was a shorter sentence or paying a bit more. I tell you, is that a fair thing to do to us? Capone must be spinning in his grave compared to the shorter sentences that could be got these days.

Even so, we come up for an audit and we get green-lit for a special look just because our earnings don’t match our job. How much is a club manager supposed to make anyway? Are they keeping an eye on how many come to party? The alcohol consumption? The drug concessions? They, at least, can pay their own taxes. At least I don’t have to worry about the prostitute trade. What? Well, all right. I give them a concession a few streets down. Better me than some of the people around here. There are two things people can never do without: gambling and sex. Drugs just exploit a weakness. They all make money.

My dealings with the tax office are usually done by my accountants with a little creative budgeting. Of course, I have to see the taxman as a matter of courtesy. It’s like they’re sizing up what I’m really like or they’ve read some file on me. Maybe I need to bury that file?

But hey, I’m supposed to be dishonest. I’m not supposed to make things easy for them. I have a reputation to stand up for or my competitors would be all over me.

Of course, the government is the biggest crook. They take our money but don’t always give as good a return as they should, often giving money to those who invest in their political parties. Bribery in all but name. Of course, I bribe from time to time, just through intermediaries. Even the politicians have to pay taxes but its balanced back by getting money back in other ways. We crooks pale in comparison to them the world over. Some are more obvious than others. Dictators are harder to get rid of. At least with democracies, every few years you get different faces and a different choice of who is bent but you don’t have to increasingly pay more to fill their demands. The under-government, laughingly called the civil service, is always there demanding the money and call it taxes.

Have I ever bribed a politician? What do you think? It makes planning permission easy is just top of the list. The taxmen are independent of them. Hell, they’ve even put politicians in prison or on the run for not paying their taxes. My books are supposed to be squeaky clean according to my accountants. Even for personal audits. I’m not stupid. What do they want? Blood?

A secondary audit? What do they expect me to have? A hidden ledger book? How else do I keep an eye on all the money. Last thing I want them to know is how good my income really is.

Even so, all this tax auditing over the years is getting a drag and I’m fed with travelling when it comes around. The change in international laws so they can pursue you now just magnifies the number of different countries taxmen will pursue you simply because you have businesses in there. How do honest people cope with this?

I needed a solution. It was quite obvious really. If you can’t buy or remove them, then join them and do it from the inside. That’s something I can’t leave to underlings. They’d only want a bigger cut.

Of course, I couldn’t join them under my own name but, in case of emergencies, I do have a couple aliases so I can skip the country and just sort of disappear. About time I found a different use for them and have someone pose as me for a while.

Hey, I’m supposed to be a criminal and bent, I’ve got to stay ahead of the taxman and what better way than join them, fix the rules and skim off the top. Better than being a politician. I don’t have to be voted in. A job that doesn’t last for long. Bring in enough men and I’d be taking even more money. I might even give some to the country from time to time. With the amount of money coming in, I can afford to give it a cut. All charitable, of course. Why wouldn’t you not trust me?

© GF Willmetts 2023

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