Five Nights at Freddy’s: a Mark Kermode horror movie review (video).
Our man of many movies, Mark Kermode, is here to bring you his take on the horror film Five Nights at Freddy’s. Watch it above. And what did we think here at SFcrowsnest Towers? Read on…
Diving into the cavernous world of “Five Nights at Freddy’s,” you’d think a video game-turned-movie would promise a rollercoaster of scares. But it’s more like a broken-down merry-go-round that makes you question why you hopped on in the first place. For those unacquainted, the game is a labyrinth of underground fandom. And if you’re thinking of navigating its depths, perhaps consider a light spelunking hobby instead.
When I think of animatronics, I think of a kiddo’s birthday party at a pizza place with robotic mascots, not the setting for a horror film. But here we are, with Mike (Josh Hutcherson) taking on the role of a security guard at Freddy’s. But instead of dealing with malfunctioning animatronics, he’s got family baggage and a brother’s mysterious disappearance to unravel. And if that doesn’t sound confusing enough, the plot thickens with dream sequences meant to solve this mystery. But spoiler: they don’t.
While you’d expect to be on the edge of your seat with animatronic horror, the movie takes a detour into Mike’s personal history. The result? A confusing mash-up of flashbacks, dream sequences, and family drama. As Mike puts it, the film revolves around “ghost children possessing giant robots.” And I’m left wondering, why does it feel like I’m watching a daytime soap opera?
The cast does what they can with what they’re given. Hutcherson sports a permanently perplexed expression, which, to be fair, is probably how most of the audience feels. Elizabeth Lail’s character spends most of her time spouting exposition, making you wish for a fast-forward button. And while Matthew Lillard seems to have missed the memo on the movie’s tone, Mary Stuart Masterson’s wicked aunt portrayal hints at what could’ve been if everyone had followed her lead.
The creators seemed to have faced a conundrum: How to make a movie about haunted pizza joint robots and not make it laughably absurd? Their solution? Dive deep into a convoluted plot and hope no one notices the lack of robot-induced terror. But even if there were more scares, the PG-13 rating means they’re more “boo!” than “AHHH!”
In comparison to other horror offerings this Halloween season, “Five Nights at Freddy’s” does score points for looking polished. But a shiny surface can’t mask a tangled web of a plot. With more dialogue than dread and a mystery that’s as thin as the pizza at Freddy’s, this film serves up a lukewarm slice of horror that might just put you to sleep.
So, if you’re looking for a late-night thrill, maybe keep searching. “Five Nights at Freddy’s” is more like a long nap at Freddy’s. But hey, at least you can say you survived the night… even if it’s from boredom.
