The Avengers 1998: Brolly hell, a weather forecast of cinematic doom? (video article)

The Avengers, the 1998 film that makes you wonder what James Bond, Austin Powers, and a dash of Monty Python would look like if they all collided in a multi-car pileup on the M25. No, not the superhero squad you’re thinking of. I’m talking about the 1998 remake of the classic British telly series, complete with bowler hats, umbrella fencing, and more plot holes than a slice of Swiss cheese.

Picture Ralph Fiennes as John Steed, and Uma Thurman as Emma Peel, both hopping about like caffeinated crumpets, trying to thwart a weather-warping villain, Sir August de Wynter, portrayed by none other than Sean Connery. What’s he up to, you ask? Well, even after watching the film, we’re not entirely sure, but it involves an evil clone, mechanical bees, and grown men in teddy bear suits. It’s as if a late-night telly sketch got mixed up with a James Bond script.

But wait, there’s more. Jim Broadbent and Fiona Shaw are also in the mix as Mother and Father, two top-brass characters who are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. They mainly sit around looking official, probably pondering their life choices that led them to this cinematic shambles.

Next, shall we talk teddy bears? For reasons known only to screenwriters with a sense of surreal humour, all the baddies are parading around in teddy bear suits. Think of it as a furry convention meeting a council of supervillains. All it does is give a new, unsettling layer to the term ‘bear with me.’

Our heroes jump from one sketchy set piece to another faster than you can say ‘tea and biscuits,’ with absolutely no buildup. The film had its running time chopped from 115 minutes down to 89, and oh boy, does it show. It’s like being served a full English breakfast, but they’ve forgotten the eggs, bacon, and sausage. You’re left wondering, “What the hell just happened?”

Let’s look for silver linings, shall we? Patrick Macnee, the original John Steed, lends his voice to Invisible Jones. It’s a sprinkle of nostalgia, but too little, too late. The film even caught the eye—or perhaps ear—of Radiohead for its soundtrack, although they bailed faster than a cat at bath time, probably after realising what they’d got themselves into.

So, how did it fare with the critics? Let’s just say it was about as popular as a soggy chip butty. Warner Bros. didn’t allow early press screenings, and the flick ultimately brought in just $55 million on a $60 million budget. Not exactly a box office bonanza, eh?

So there you have it, a film that’s more confounding than a British weather forecast and equally as dreary. It’s the sort of film that prompts you to ask, “Who on Earth greenlit this mess?” But like a terrible roadside attraction, it’s almost worth a gander just to gawk at the disaster. Onwards and upwards—or in this case, just onwards.