The Quotas Man: a story of data by: GF Willmetts.
People think my hobby is crazy. Filling quotas of how many things we are supposed to do. Mostly because they say it can’t be done in real time in an average lifetime, let alone monitor every detail. We don’t really start keeping count until we become adult so much of it is approximation. I mean, there’s no way I can spend 33 years asleep all in one go. That would really be me sleeping my life away. The same with spending 4 years eating or 3 years on holiday. Well, I could do that in time but not continually for 3 years. I like to work some of the time and that pays for holidays. Watching television for 11 years might be a problem, mostly because I don’t know what a television is. Maybe an antique shop can help there. Its not recommended to watch more than 6 hours a day but not why? Its only a screen. Nothing ever seems to happen on it but reflections. Did people practice yoga all the time contemplating what they looked like? All you can do is note down the times you spend doing things and let it build up with a little push on some of the lists.
Thing is my parents had the same obsession and kept note of all events in my life until I was old enough to do it myself. So I have all the times I poohed in my nappies. Scalded myself in the bath. Not too many of those. Sane with falling off a swing or slide. The usual kids stuff.
Matching the statistical quotas we’re all supposed to fulfil in a lifetime to see if it was accurate. Well, most of them. If they couldn’t do it to their own lives then they thought I would have a better chance to prove them wrong. I had my charts and databases, constantly backed up, keeping evidence to prove I did everything. Took an hour late each night to put everything down or the daily tot up. Maybe that should be a quota of its own. The numbers were kept. I was become the Quotas Man.
The original idea was to complete these quotas early but the lengthy ones were noted for a lifetime and tougher to achieve. How could I sleep thirty years and not get the rest done? I modified the plan. No sense becoming a coma basket-case even if I was hit by a road vehicle. There were some quotas I didn’t want to make. Still keep all the data but complete some of the shorter quotas and then exceed them. Do it enough to prove the quotas were inaccurate and that I could do more than the average to prove them wrong. It had to be more not less or it would show a lack of enthusiasm. For someone to try that, they would have to have general low quotas across the board. You would have to an insomniac just to cut down a third of your life sleeping and be crazy enough to keep notes.
A lot of the quotas could be done progressively. Take regular holidays, set up distances as a globetrotter. Little details like that had their own mini-quotas. The same with having a decent enough job to fulfil. Quite how I could get a year of romance in let alone all that sex when I had so much else to do. Besides, it could be combined with socialising. Who wants to date someone who is going to keep count of how much sex they had? Some of them were just a labelling problem and could go on both, duly noting.
Of course, all of this attention to my life and fulfilling quotas. I mean, I got 115 days of laughing easy to do because there was so much to laugh at and easy to exceed. Hardly surprising I got a mention in Guinness. Actually getting in there meant my achievements were becoming ever official and there was always some chap there now confirming amy quota achievements. It made it very easy to exceed the 5 years queuing when I could talk about the weather at the same time.
Getting the number of times up and down lifts, escalators and stairs was a lot more complicated. If I wasn’t fit before, I was ever more so, especially when I lots of bicycling to compensate for all the driving around. I was even getting the odd sponsor making it easier to visit places all over the world.
When you think about it, the quotas could be divided fairly accurately. Physical, mechanical and mental. Physical was looking after the body. Mechanical meant dealing with everything from transport to well, anything mechanical like an escalator. Mental meant anything from maths to writing. Getting a book written was a lot easier than trying to get a publisher until I was in Guinness and on the mass media. Celebrity sells and my second book was about how I was beating the quotas. Easy to write because I had the research in front of me and could even do some maths at the same time. Doing combination quotas was the best way to go. It made sorting out the exact times a ration thing but it helped bring the times down. I mean, could I honestly do 3 years holidaying without some sort of romance mixed in, driving optional. I was regularly having an assessor with me now confirming and ticking off when I completed something and then exceeding it massively. With each assessor, I reminded I wasn’t going to stop but keep going to not only show the original quotas were wrong but also establish new records in each so they would have to have a serious rethink. My aging parents would be so proud. Moreso as they are now part of the quota being the parents of the man with the more fulfilled quotas and exceeded them. Am I getting too excited here or just repeating myself? It’s a quota.
It does raise an interesting question: what can I do with the rest of my life? The quotas keep growing and whoever said it couldn’t be addictive didn’t now what they were talking about. Then again, people are used to be in the public eye, why would I want to be any different after all this time?
I was leaving quota records that would be impossible for anyone to follow simply because I was doing it in so many categories. Shame I haven’t got the time to find a hobby that doesn’t have a quota but I’ve got a lot of sleep to catch up on. I’m doing quotas of quotas now and as you read this missive, be sure to send me an email and become part of my quota of readers.
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